the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
