Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
