so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
this just has baby written all over it
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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