I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Randomize
