It's like God shit irony all over that family
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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