We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize