At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
