i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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