First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Randomize
