Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
