Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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