Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
