similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize