ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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