Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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