you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
