i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
