I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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