I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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