Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
