i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
