Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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