Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
