he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
