I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize