Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
My ass is underappreciated
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
