hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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