Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
