I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
