Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
