Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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