Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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