I want to make a zoo with you.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
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