So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
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