I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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