She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
