So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
