I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
