Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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