everyone is single if you try hard enough
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize