I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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