my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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