dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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