wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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