i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
