Who did Billy Mays play for?
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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