There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
