i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize