If i come over, it means nothing
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
