Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I have fence marks all over my body
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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