I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
