$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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