Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
