ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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