You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Help. Why am I so naked?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
