Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
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